May Update

I was 600 words deep in philosophical post where I mused about something serious or whatever, and my 18 month old daughter kept walking over and hitting the right arrow key. This was after she had gotten into her diaper trash can, pulled out a diaper full of wet shit- (had to take a break, she then started to kick my 5 year old and try to take away the toy he was playing with. I fed them and that seemed to settle things down. Maybe I’ve instilled a habit to solve problems by eating now. Fuck, who knows? And we’re back )- then spread that dirty diaper and wipes all around her room in the 30 seconds I lost track of her. That was right after I had followed one of our cats around the house as she puked in a dozen random locations, cleaning up after each little ball of bile so the kids wouldn’t step in it. A friend of mine once said it wasn’t a complete day unless there was gun play, now I think the day isn’t right if I haven’t cleaned up puke and shit.

It’s the little things in life.

All that was probably the 30th or so interruption in trying to write that post, and I’ve realized I need to lower the bar a bit around here. Due to my newish full time SAHD status, my ability to write stuff that is little more than fluff is heavily impeded. As I looked around the blogs I regularly peruse, I noticed that 1500days does a fair amount of update stuff, which is less dense but still an enjoyable read. So I’m going to try that, and maybe get back to the deep stuff in a few months when we have some sort of childcare again. Seem like that dude is equally stretched thin. Thanks for making it ok to not try to rewrite war and peace every week Carl.

Updates:

SAHD life: Wife got back from nearly 2 weeks of work out of town. It was just me taking care of the kids by myself; longest stretch I’ve done that. Everyone still has the same amount of fingers, toes, and eyeballs. I managed to maintain my workouts, and sleep okish. That experience led me to write this other post where I realize that women don’t get enough credit. (I can almost hear the internet say duh.)

Mental health: as directly related to the above, is shit. Before my wife left, I was super anxious and depressed about the child care stuff. Yeah, I know I should treasure every moment. Wish I could flip a switch and do that, but no such luck yet. Instead I’m in a constant state of worry about everything that could go wrong. Once my wife left, I could almost hear the KACHUNK of Death Star grade blast doors closing on my emotions. Without trying, I reverted to old habits of repressing all feelings and just concentrated on getting done what needed to be done. I had operated in this mode for over a decade, and while it definitely works (fuck, it kept me alive), it has some pretty crappy side effects. The suppressed emotions eventually bleed through, resulting in a mound of depression, anxiety, and the occasional suicidal ideation (yes, I’m still getting help. suicide bad; I totally get it. If you are having thoughts of it, call this number 1-800-273-8255 , press 2 if you’re a veteran). Now that my wife is back, all that stuff started creeping back in as I try to deliberately feel emotions again. At least my self awareness has increased, so that’s something.

Other stuff: More importantly than my mental health(only sorta joking), I have other shit to report in on. Think I previously mentioned I bought a new mountain bike a few months back, spending almost $4K(!!!!!). Went from an aluminium hardtail to a carbon full suspension bike. It’s a Fezzari, which has a 30 day love it or return it policy. After dropping more money on a bike than I’ve spent on cars and motorcycles, I was seriously considering returning it because that level of spending just felt ridiculous. Then I actually rode the bike.

Yup, totally worth it. Amaze-balls, all around.

Keeping that thing for sure. Finally got out and rode the national-level trails an hour from us- holy fucking shit! I see now why people drop that kind of coin on a bike. Way faster, way more fun, and much more forgiving. Despite having more travel and squish in back, the thing even climbs better. So yay!

Money: Think my portfolio has dropped somewhere around $100K since it’s high. Yikes I guess. I’d love to say that I’m not stressed about this because of my deep understanding of the market and my general equanimity. Honestly though, I’m too busy being stressed about parenting to have the bandwidth to be stressed about anything else. I’ll take what I can get.

There you have it, some updates. I’m sure other stuff has happened, but though writing posts makes me feel like I’ve actually done something productive (yes, I know that is fucked up thinking. but there it is), I’d really like to take a nap.

So I’m going to go do that.

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