Or how I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up
I still get the desire to go back to being a cop with my old department; it seems like such an easy choice. They’d hire me back in a minute; I do another 5 years and some change, get a pension worth a million bucks. Get a built in purpose and social interaction, both of which I’ve been missing since I FIRE’d earlier this year.
And then I think about it, and occasionally read why I left in the first place. This blog reminds me that the idea in my head of what I’d be going back to is highly skewed. I’m viewing things through graduation goggles-if I were to go back everything wouldn’t be as great as I recall. In fact it’d suck way more than what I’m doing right now. The more I read my old posts and think back to the reality of what my job was, I know it would supremely blow to be back on shift work, with me working more weekends than not. Not to mention all of the other stuff that was less than fun. Probably not worth that million buck pension.
In that regard, this blog has helped me out a decent amount since FIREing. Part of the reason I keep writing here is having learned that, I hope to keep documenting what I’m thinking and feeling so I can look back and learn from these experiences. I’m also hoping that I’m not alone here; maybe others can learn from my chronicles of the immediate post-FIRE life.
With all of that in mind, let me describe for you last week’s vacillations, which have become sort of normal. If you recall, one of my near term objectives of me leaving the job was to give myself some space to figure out what to do next. I had some rough ideas, but didn’t want to jump on the first thing that came along. That’s what started my nearly 15 years in law enforcement, this time I’d like to be more deliberate in the path I choose.
As I may have mentioned before, I learned this summer that being a full time caregiver ain’t for me. So now what do I do? Though my days seem to be filled with various activities, I’d like something with more regular social interaction, and maybe an overarching purpose. Here’s how last week went:
Monday:
I’m pretty sure I want to do the PhD program. Built in purpose, social interaction, work that interests me, and I get to be on an academic calendar. Plus I like research and studying. Yep, this is definitely what I should do. Some quick googling shows that the last GRE of the year is in November, leaving me less than 8 weeks to study. Holy shit! I better get going if I’m going to start the program next year. So I study a little bit. Hey, I actually like studying for the GRE. Interesting stuff!
Tuesday:
More of the above. Yup. PhD seems like a good route. But am I rushing into this? Trying to crush GRE prep in the next few months seems a bit ridiculous, alternatively I could apply next year and spend way more time doing the prep. Plus in talking with the program director, they may drop the GRE requirement next year anyways. And I like the idea of testing stuff out before I do it. I could try to do some research and teaching for the next year, and that way I could figure out if I want to fully commit to a program which would likely take me at least 5 years. Hmmmmm. Yeah, I should probably chill a bit, see if I can get a part time research gig and do some subbing to deliberately feel things out.
Wednesday:
I go mountain biking. Meet some interesting guy, we end up talking about all sorts of stuff for almost an hour in the parking lot after the ride. He used to work part time at a bike shop and a brewery. He describes how both were cool places to work, and since both businesses are heavily reliant on the local community, they are deeply involved in all of the events going on in our city. Plus they’re not that demanding, and both work in areas that I enjoy. Also since they’re heavily localized, they’re not competitive with shops/breweries outside the city, but instead share information and collaborate occasionally. So when you travel, you have a built in extended community that can help you get a bead on the happenings of wherever you’re visiting. This sounds like fun, and wouldn’t require me to do 5 years of school. Maybe I should give this a shot? Fits with my desire to test stuff out that is of minimum commitment and easy to leave if I don’t like it.
Thursday:
The previous night I went to our Parent Teacher Organization meeting, and they had a school police officer give a presentation about their agency’s purpose and their emergency procedures. I got to talking to this guy(we’d met previously when I was still working for the City’s Metro police department). I realized that they actually had a pretty cool job. Hours are good, and they’re taking the active shooter threat seriously. They do a bunch of passive risk mitigation, but he filled me in on their less advertised tactical response capabilities. I’ve taken part in multiple hostage rescues, which are somewhat similar in nature to active shooter incidents, and my team spent much of our time training for those operations. I was pretty impressed with what these school cops had going on. As I thought about it more, it sounded like a sweet gig. No nights, few weekends, and some cool training with a pretty important purpose. Maybe I could negotiate to get summers off if I offered to take a reduced salary?
Friday:
Ok. What the fuck dude. I started off the week pretty sure I was going the PhD route, then for a day or so working fun part time jobs sounded like a better fit. Then I was back to some cop job. Friday came and I wasn’t sure which one I was actually interesed in.
Saturday
I want to be a ballerina.
Just kidding. Maybe?
End of Week Review
Last week was no different than many preceding it. I can’t remember the last time I went more than a few days settled on one option. Back and forth I go. More than often I get frustrated, and say “fuck it, I’ll just go back to the job”. And as mentioned above, when I read my old posts, that doesn’t seem like a bright idea.
As I zoomed out my perspective, this constant vacillation tells me a few things:
- I don’t actually know what I want to do yet.
- If I do anything, I shouldn’t jump right into a full on career that would be hard to back out of. Definitely need to test things out with a minimum of commitment, and if I like it then scale it up. Or not.
- With all of this back and forth, it’s clear part of my motivation to do these things is getting confused with my desire to just do something(anything!). And I’m not sure how accurate that desire is-perhaps it’s a remnant of my habit of constantly doing something for the last 20 years as required by work. Perhaps I’m having a hard time not being busy, but if I keep trying to slow down I could eventually get attuned to what I really want to do, not pursuing something out of the need for a distraction from my other responsibilities. So I should probably just chill for awhile longer.
Obviously this a lovely predicament I’m in. Oh no! So many options and it’s not like I’m hard up for money. Despite having a life about 10 times better than I did this time last year, the above can be somewhat frustrating. Simply because I’ve got few other things in my life that are actual issues, such a minor problem feels bigger. Weird.
I hope writing this will be a reminder to future me that I need to chill a bit. When I have the wherewithal to look back on this blog, reading this post will maybe help me reign in my vacillations. Or at least that’s the plan. Either way, should be a fun journey!
Should I be a ballerina? Or maybe something else? But seriously, I’d be interested if any of you have had similar thought patterns post FIRE. Please let me know in the comments.
