Thoughts, or lack thereof

What you want and how you’ll feel when you get it are as different as strangers who hate each other though they’ve never met.

Are they truly separate? Or are they so close to each other but they can’t see past the rage?

I think about this now and then. My last semester of grad school was in 2016. I don’t know if you remember, but things were a tad heated, politically. Of course 2020 made 2016 it’s bitch, when it comes to controversy and everyone going for each other’s throats. (Hmmm…what happens every four years that seems to be correlated with people going bananas? I wonder…🙄). But in 2016 I was in a unique position to observe things.

Back then I was working full time as a cop, and I was also working on a masters in criminal justice/public safety. My studies were housed in a small program which was under the wing of a larger school dominated by non-profit studies, public administration, and what some would call “pragmatic sociology”. To say that my coworkers were diametrically opposed politically to my fellow students and professors is a broad generalization, partially true, and also an overutilization of vocabulary that could be simplified in easier to understand terms. So let’s do that, shall we?

Because I was going to grad school, my fellow cops called me a “tree hugging hippie”.

Because I was a cop, my fellow students called me a “fascist stormtrooper”.

Which one was right? Both? Neither? Shit, I don’t know. At the time I was working crazy hours, on call, my wife was pregnant, I was studying like crazy for grad school AND my department’s supervisor test, I was actively training in BJJ, preparing for a Spartan Beast, and learning Parkour. I knew that was a ridiculous amount of stuff at the time, but as I write out all of the crap I was attempting to do in 2016, I can’t help but shake my head for overloading myself so much. No wonder I burned out a few years later. So it goes. I’ve digressed…

The point is, in 2016 I had overloaded myself so much, I was not paying attention to what the hell was going on in the political landscape. But I had just spent the previous few years studying research methods, statistics and probability, and had gleaned some applicable methods of trying to view things objectively in a rational manner.

Mostly this consisted of being vigilant of cognitive biases, utilizing sound data instead of anecdotal evidence whenever possible, and removing emotion from arguments by eliminating the nonverbal influence of spoken and visual mediums and instead relying on the written word. Imperfect, but I noticed my decision making had improved after applying what I’d learned. Such decision making facilitated me making honor roll, getting promoted, placing in the top 2% of the Spartan, and tapping out some peeps a few belts up. Of course I failed to apply the framework to overall task management, hence the insane amount of crap I was attempting. But I was learning.

Anywho, whenever I stuck my head up to see what was going on, I noticed my friends from my two different camps were going crazy. From my sleep deprived, almost loopy state, it was really kind of humorous. Look, I was probably the only “hippy” my fellow cops knowingly associated with. And I was for sure the only “fascist” my fellow students hung around. To them, I was a reluctant part of the other– the opposing group they so detested. Each group stated they felt sorry I had to sully myself with the other institution, and knew that in my heart of hearts, I was truly a part of their group-I was just biding my time until I could escape from those other idiots. Oh hello consensus bias, have we met?

What was so amusing was the similarity of the arguments themselves. Most reasons the other side sucked was based of some anecdotal example, or if stats were used, they were heavily flawed

And less was said about what was so great about each group’s own proposed methods, and more about how the other side was somehow both evil in some Machiavellian way, yet also just plain stupid. I asked one friend “so how can they(candidate whatever) be pulling all these strings behind the curtain with such skill if they’re also a complete idiot?”. I was then called a fascist. Or a hippy. Maybe both, can’t remember.😉

Now look, I really gotta reiterate here, because this post may sound like I’m up on my high horse above all this shit. I was just super fucking tired, busy, and therefore had my head in the sand politically. Seemingly out of nowhere each group of friends seemed to become openly hostile to my other group of friends, even though they never met. I seemed to be the focal point for many of each groups complaints, as surely I could explain how my other associates were such fucking morons. I didn’t have a good response, and when I pointed out some holes I saw in arguments, this just confirmed that I was sleeping with the enemy.

This was especially concerning, as the holes I was seeing should have been obvious to grad students who have undergone rigorous studies aimed at making them objective evaluators of complex data. The holes sure as hell should have been obvious to cops with bullshit detectors that had been honed to a hard edge after years, if not decades, working the street. And yet it was as if each group had just taken out a piece of their brain deliberately, and said “fuck reason, I’d rather be pissed at some people I don’t know”.

Then there were the similarities of both groups. At their core, both wanted to

1. Be free to do what they want
2. Help other people/make the world better

Somehow along the line, best I can tell they ran into different ways to express these desires. One thing led to another, and they took different paths with the same goal. And even though they wanted the same things, both paths winded back and forth so much that eventually they ran right into each other. Weird.

Looking back, I was fortunate to be in such a position which afforded me these observations. Unknowingly taking a step back in life made me see that some straight ridiculous shit was going down. And after seeing it, I started to see it everywhere.

Here’s the important part

You may be wondering why I’m writing this. You may think that as we’re nearing yet another 4 year interval, perhaps I’m trying do my part to keep people from going at each others throats. Maybe I’m trying to get us all to hold hands across the planet and get along. See our similarities, not our differences.

Kumbaya motherfucker.

Nah.

I’m Just Some Dude, and I ain’t going near that one. Shits fucked up, shits always been fucked up, and it’s always gonna be fucked up. I’m looking at this at a more selfishness, individual level. And it comes down to this. Lets read between the lines.

What was I doing in 2016? A lot of shit. Good idea? No, but I got a lot done, and much of it paid off in the end. You know what I wasn’t doing in 2016? Being consumed with hating a group of people I didn’t even know.

Bet I couldn’t have gotten all that shit done had I wasted my time doomscrolling and filling my days with watching talking heads. I remember a fellow student complaining about the insurmountable coursework assigned to us, then asking me if I’d seen the latest commentary about some incident on the cable news channel. Dude, c’mon.

So this is really a reminder to myself. Maybe one day I’ll get really bored, decide to stir some rage, and describe my worldview. But long story short, I went from head in the sand, peaked up, looked around, gave up hope, and decided to dive right back into the sand except for the few times I judged I actually have a chance to make a difference.

I’m reminding myself of two things:

1. Ignore the stupidity. Now that I have a lot more time on my hand, I could easily dive into rabbit holes following the well designed coverage/entertainment revolving around current happenings. You know, the “news”. Instead, if I can actually do something, I’ll use my research methods training (use source material, read transcripts instead of watch to somewhat negate influence tactics, do my own math), and apply myself pragmatically.
2. Do less shit/Focus on what matters. 2016 was also crazy busy on a personal level because I tried to do everything. Now that I’ve eliminated the major time suck of a full time job, it’s easy to have all of the little things inflate their demand, and be tempted to take on another thing/hobby/project. Let’s instead dial it back to what I’ve deemed matters. Husband. Father. Part time bodyguard. Mountain biking. Pickleball. Occasionally this blog. Those six things seem like more than enough. Almost too much, really, since I’m deliberately trying to chill. Any more than that and I start to question why the hell I retired if one of my objectives was to live a less rushed life.

What I wanted was a chill life which I live on my own terms. What I got when I initially FIRE’d was weird and confusing. But with some perspective, I can see how the one is a natural progression of the other, and can be cool with chilling in the weird. It’s abnormal to be semi-retired and deliberately trying to do less when everyone else is trying to do more even though they seem to have barely enough time for what they’ve already got. Taking a step back to see this perspective makes things a lot clearer and easier to accept.

If there was purpose to this post, beyond my self-centered reminder to dodge the crazy and do less, I hope it was to describe a different view of the state of things. I may have stumbled into learning from my own mistakes. I hope you can be that wise person who can sidestep my follies and be better without as many detours. Good luck my friends. 🙂