Pensions are a Crutch

But I still want one.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know that last year I walked away from a pension worth over million dollars and set off on early retirement or whatever. Vesting in that pension would have required a little over 5 more years working as a cop.

Though getting shot at was occasionally enjoyable, the prospect of working night shift on a rotating schedule (which meant showing up every other weekend) was just not worth it. Especially since I’d already amassed about a million bucks by following the hardcore deprivation FIRE path and had gotten to a point where I was Financially Independent. Despite all that, I still lament that I left that pension behind. I think about it nearly every day. How do I deal with that?

I remind myself that the pension is a crutch.

What the fuck is this crutch thing? No, I’m not talking about the long implement you use when one of your lower extremities is injured. If you haven’t done time in the military, you may not be aware of this lovely colloquialism. Or maybe you are. I’m not that in touch with popular culture and what the cool kids are saying these days. Anyways, how about I just paint you a picture with some words…

There we were yet again, walking through the woods. As usual, we’d been out there for a few days, and hadn’t stopped for more than 15 minutes every few hours. No sleep. barely any food, and were carrying like 90lbs on our backs, all while wearing weapons, night vision goggles, and other heavy crap. Standard Army stupidity, which used to be my job. When someone on the team would whisper some light hearted bitching such as “fuck dude, I’m tired”, another teammate would invariably reply “sleep is a crutch!”.

This was the standard response for any complaint. You’re hungry? Chow is a crutch! Feet hurt? comfort is a crutch! Hot? A/C is a crutch! Frostbite? Heat is a crutch! And on and on. This whole thing was always said half-jokingly, but was also a subtle reminder of our whole ethos or whatever. The idea was that we had all volunteered for some hard shit, and hell man, guess what? Be careful what you wish for-tell the Army you’re down for suffering and they’ll gladly oblige. So maybe don’t bitch about getting what you wanted. And that’s pretty much where I land with the pension.

Look, that pension would have been nice.

It wasn’t perfect, but the pension I paid into was well funded, had healthcare benefits, and had a reasonable inflation adjustment. Plus there’s the stick side of that carrot-like most people with pensions, I was exempt from paying into social security. Which is great, but it sure weighs down that golden albatross; you know that the only retirement benefit you’re getting is the pension and what you build yourself. Sure, we can all theorize about the future prospect of social security, but it’s a different thing to know for certain you won’t be getting that benny.

Then there’s the man behind the curtain.

A pension sends you a paycheck every month with no fuss, which I guess would be familiar and reassuring after having left paid work. I’ve heard other retirees say so. There’s no thought involved about what the market is doing or which safe withdrawal rate to use. You just get paid, and live in blissful ignorance as some supposed experts with fancy titles handle all that shit. Meanwhile in FIRE land, we all know exactly what’s going on behind the curtain. And the prospect of selling stocks, especially after hording them for so long, is fucking scary.

But you’ve gotta live hard to be hard.

There’s the flip side of getting a pension. I know a few retirees that left the police world and are now fully engaged with their life and have continued to grow after leaving the job. But I know way more guys who sit in their garage, drink all day, and constantly bitch about the past while also glorifying old war stories. I also know plenty that didn’t stop moving. They jumped into another full time job, which is usually law enforcement adjacent, and they’re still bitching about the same things, only the names have changed. At least the later group was self-aware enough to know they didn’t want to end up like the garage trolls, but jumping into another sucky job that seems like a crappy way to spend retirement.

I know me, and though I work to improve myself, I also know that the pull to be a garage troll would have been huge if I had a pension paying me to sit on my ass all day. I’m self aware, but not enlightened. Aside from not enjoying the job anymore, leaving before I vested in our pension was a big reason why I left when I did. Dealing with uncertainty of the market, the economy, safe withdrawal rates, and tax implications all suck. But guess what? Certainty is a crutch.

Was I tough because years ago I walked around the woods carrying heavy crap without food or sleep? No. But those experiences taught me that I could get through tough shit by taking the pain. And each one built upon the last; the more tough shit we went through, the better we got at dealing with it. And that was a big motivation for leaving that pension behind. I knew it would suck. But I also knew learning to deal with uncertainty would be good for me. I hoped that such uncertainty would push me to try new things, to learn more about myself, to grow. So I could be a better husband, father, and hopefully a better person.

I’m not some perfect guru, sitting in the lotus position while contemplating the messiness of the financial world with calm indifference. I’m Just Some Dude. Despite working hard to now have a strong financial position, the mechanics of it all still trigger anxiety and fear. And this mess of emotions leads me to regret my choice to ditch a sure thing (or at least seemingly sure). But then I remember why I left, and how I have no desire to go back. And how this weird uncertainty feeling was the whole point, to try to learn how to deal with this shit and move on. I remember that the pension was a crutch.

As with most posts, I wrote this one for two reasons:

The primary one is for me; writing this down helps me sort my thoughts, and also serves as a reminder for when I start thinking about a topic I’ve already thought about a thousand times. It keeps me from reinventing the wheel.

The second reason I write this crap is for you. I’m guessing I’m not the only one that goes through this stuff. It seems there’s this false narrative where you retire early and everything’s magical and awesome. Meanwhile, over in reality, it can feel like you failed when every single second isn’t unicorn orgasms 🦄 ☔. I’d like to remind you that you’re not a failure if you feel like this after leaving your job, and if you’re still working towards FI maybe lower your expectations a bit.

To that end, it’d be cool if you have any thoughts about this, especially if you’ve encountered similar crap in your own journey. Lemme know.