Lost in the Crowd, Found in Myself: A New York City Story

A recent fall day reminded me why I love walking around New York City. Had just grabbed a spicy döner and a ginger ale, and headed to the park to enjoy the scene during my early dinner. Just inside the park was an unhinged shirtless guy screaming at people. He jerked around stochastically, covered in sweat. Like everyone else, I gave him a wide berth and avoided eye contact. Had to smile. Reminded me of my old job, and made me thankful not to be doing that anymore. 

Sofi Tucker played in my earbuds as I squeezed into a bench between remote workers. There were few free spaces; everyone was enjoying the beautiful weather, and it looked like most had just wrapped up work or school. Kids and adults playing, some dancing, most of us just sitting and enjoying the vibe. 

Then the constant lull of sirens changed and grew closer. 

Seven cops came sprinting into the park; glad they didn’t give me a second glance. I like to avoid any imperial entanglements. 

The cops go running by, and some park goers meandered closer to watch the show. I stay where I’m at; my döner is calling and I’m not in the mood for a rerun. Some screams mix with the music, and a few minutes later the crazy guy is hauled off by a scrum of blue. Gotta love NYPD; even before the mass exodus from my old department, our staffing levels meant I would have had to handle something like that by myself. Probably one of the reasons why NYC is relatively safe for a big city.

With a few bites left, the boss texted me. One of our client’s picked a restaurant for the night. Right down the street from the park, so it’d be easy for me to advance. Still had a few hours before the dinner reservation, so I took my time and continued to do my favorite thing while I worked. 

More walking around the city! 

As an introvert, I absolutely love being lost in a sea of people where the implicit norm is to avoid any contact with others. You get to feel like a part of a big social organism without the pressure of having to talk with anyone. The earbuds and RBF are a nice backup to anyone who strays.

Made my way through SoHo, checking out various routes from the client’s location to the restaurant, hospitals, police station, etc. Checked the restaurant, it’s alleys, and talked to the manager. Figured out the exits, the cover, the concealment, the sight lines and parking. Easy-peasy. As I walked back to our place, I couldn’t help but thinking driving here was going to be stupid. We could walk there in half the time. You can say the same for most of the city. 

Reality killed that thought.

Most people don’t recognize our clients. But in a city that size, someone would. Been in the middle of that, and it ain’t fun. Usually people are friendly, some a little too much. And while our clients tend to handle the attention with surprising equanimity, they just want to have a meal with their family and friends. So no walking for them. 

Knowing this client, they’d love walking around NYC as much as me. But every time they’re here they’re stuck in the back of a giant black SUV, driven by a goon like me, watching people walk past them. Kinda sad. They’ll never know the simple joy of a döner in the park, basking in the communal anonymity.

FI is an amazing thing. Rich is relative, and like so much, you can have too much of a good thing. It’s nice being rich enough so I don’t have to wrestle sweaty schizophrenics on the reg anymore. But not being so rich that people chase me down for selfies is better.  

Enough is the crucial word there. Like “Die With Zero”, “Boring Middle” and “Coast FI”, you can’t go five seconds without hitting the concept of “Enough” in the FIRE space. Que up the Vonnegut/Heller anecdote you probably know by heart now.

I’d like to say something about enough 

I don’t think you’ll ever get there unless you deliberately draw a line in the sand. 

One of my favorite resources is ESI money. Did an interview there some years ago, and not too long ago posted an update. The dude who runs the site is a good guy, and his correspondences helped me push this blog to reality. 

What I really love are the millionaire interviews. I’ve read hundreds, and after a while some trends emerge. Most with huge net worth have put in years of hard work, were a little lucky, and either worked in a lucrative field or climbed to the upper ranks where compensation is huge. And of course they were not stupid with their money. 

But I noticed another thread in some of the interviews. No matter what the net worth, some people would say something like “once I get to X dollar amount, then I’ll feel secure/financially independent/ok to retire/etc.” This seemed to occur regardless of the person’s net worth or income. After reading more than a few where the interviewee was making over 300K and/or had like 5 million dollars, but still didn’t feel like they had enough, it became clear that this phenomena occurs absent any specific dollar amount.

I don’t think you’ll ever feel like you have enough. At least not 100%. Even when the most conservative math says you do. God knows that this has afflicted me on and off for what seems like forever. 

What has helped me has been that line in the sand. Luckily, I’m naturally kinda unhappy, so data suggests a household income above $100k ain’t going to do much for me. Said data is based on normal people with mortgages, so chop off another $20k-ish thanks to that crazy Ramsey guy. There, we got a number. A line in the sand. Pretty arbitrary, but then isn’t everything if you look close enough?

The other thing has been accepting that I will always want more. At least a part of me. Thanks to my EP gig, I’ve got oodles of anecdotal data which suggests that this desire never goes away, despite how much someone has. Even better than reading ESI millionaire interviews is listening to a billionaire be legitimately bummed they couldn’t get their favorite type of creamer this morning. Seems ridiculous. But then, am I not doing the same thing when the local diner runs out of hazelnut? (something I have regularly done; ask my wife). 

And finally, it helps to know that as you near the money apex, life still kinda sucks, but in new, strange ways. Like not being able to walk a mile lest you get harassed by people obsessed with you. Or not being able to drop into whatever restaurant you want for dinner, and instead having to inform your “people” of your desire hours in advance. Forget about grabbing a döner and walking through the park. If you’re lucky, your kids will burn enough of your scratch that your grandkids will get to enjoy such simple pleasures. 

These are the things that don’t make me necessarily giddy, but do make me content with having what I call enough. Hope you find your own way there. Maybe someday you and I will be at Bezos’ Flag Day party, and you can tell me how you have something he doesn’t.